 Both our daughters took a trip to West Virginia recently to visit their grandmother. This is the story through our oldest daughter's eyes.
Several weeks ago, my sister, Lorri, and I traveled to West Virginia to visit our grandmother who was in the hospital. We left on a Thursday morning, arriving around 7:00 p.m. that night. Lorri and I agreed to spend the night in Grandmother's room so our Aunt Becky could go home and sleep in her own bed.
The hospital is rather old and tight so there was really no place to sleep. Lorri and I slept upright in chairs. Friday morning came and I was feeling a little nauseas and had a little burning sensation "down there." Thought I was coming down with a UTI so Lorri ran down a can of cranberry juice. After one sip, I started hunting for a bathroom. I was so sick to my stomach, after hurling six times, I told Lorri I must have caught a bug and that I needed to get out of the hospital before I gave it to Grandmother. So I went back to Grandmother's house which is two blocks away. She lives in a three-story house and the driveway is on the bottom floor. I run up two flights of steps and hurl a few more times and this time I'm in excrutiating pain in my abdomen. I woke up Aunt Becky and told her what was happening and told her she needed to take me back to the hospital. (click on Read More below for the whole story.
When we get to the registration desk, I hurl my purse at Aunt Becky and grab the registration nurse's garbage can and I'm kneeling in the floor hurling in her can trying to answer her questions. Becky's digging through my purse looking for name, social, insurance info, etc. A nurse brought in a wheelchair for me as well as another garbage can! Becky leaves to go get Lorri to come be with me.
The hospital is very small and there's a room with a counter and a series of three curtains. They chose curtain number three. A young nurse named Tara came in (no, she'd never seen Gone With The Wind nor knows whether or not she was named after the plantation - I think she was 12 years old) gave me a johnny gown and held my can while I stripped. I finally got the gown on and continued barfing and pacing around the little bed. A very nice doctor named Thompson came through the curtain. He asked me to lie down on the bed (because I was curled up on the floor and he couldn't see me) and started prodding me. I immediately told him I had no appendix and no gall bladder so quit looking for them. I got off the bed and began pacing some more. This time, just in case no one could figure it out, I began a mantra: "Oh, God, it hurts." He told me he would give me some anti-barf medication. He's got a little smile on his face . . .
So in prances Tara who is happy to tell me that I'm her first patient since getting her nursing license. She plans on putting a port in my arm.
While I'm barfing and pacing and chanting my mantra and Tara is pacing behind me, her superior comes in and says, "You have to chase them around the room." I don't know this for sure, but Tara, bless her heart, must have given her superior a puzzled look (that was the look on my face, too, I'm sure, but since it was stuffed in a can, I can't be sure). The older nurse explained: "Kidney stone patients: you have to chase them around the room."
My head popped up from the other side of the bed and I asked is this what I've got? "Oh, God, it hurts."
The curtain whips back again and this time it is my sister. Ever diligent about appearances, modestly speaking, Lorri grabs the back of my johnny gown holding it together and asks what can I do? I sort of introduce her to Tara and tell her don't ask about Gone With The Wind, tell her they think I have a kidney stone, "oh, God, it hurts," and I needed to use the bathroom.
All of us march out in front of all the curtains and Tara, even though she doesn't know Gone With The Wind, does know where the bathroom is, and points to a closed door. I took off like a shot, still bent over looking at my knees. Lorri holds my johnny gown tight, reaches for the bathroom door, and wouldn't you know . . . There stood a man on crutches, holding and relieving himself, who is startled so badly he forgets to let go of himself, forgets that he's relieving himself and effectively sprays the toilet, the walls, and almost us if Lorri hadn't been so quick to shut the door.
I begin my mantra all over again, and pace with Lorri holding my gown shut. The poor man came out pretty quickly and before Tara can do anything, Lorri is wiping pee off the toilet, pointing out spots on the floor (which I can see just fine because I'm a foot away from them), lays out paper all over the seat and shoves me down on the toilet. I pee three drops and I'm done. Lorri said, are you sure? I don't even remember wiping, there was so little. Of course, all this was done with the door wide open because the bathroom was too small to accommodate three people. Mr. Crutches is long gone.
As we exit, the doctor comes out from behind Curtain number 1 with a smile on his face. I pointed my finger at him and said, "You think this is funny. You've had these before." He assured me that he hadn't. He's just seen a lot of my kind. Now if I will go back behind my curtain, he will give me something for pain.
Percocet is very, very good. Especially mainlined through the nice little port that Tara somehow got in my arm when I wasn't looking. Dr. Thompson wanted to run some tests but before I agreed I asked him how sure was he that I had kidney stones. He said 95% sure. That was good enough for me. I told him I'd rather have further treatment in Tennessee. He said okay and wrote me out a nice little prescription for more percocet. He nodded his head and said, "that's okay, there are plenty of emergency rooms between West Virginia and Tennessee."
Lorri and I got back to Grandmother's house, and, thankfully, so did Grandmother. They released her while I was zoned out on percocet.
When I woke up, Aunt Becky told me that she'd told our Mother and Father what had happened. Dad, being a seasoned kidney-stone sufferer, gave me some advise to pass it: run up and down the stairs, jump off the bottom step. Grandmother's house was full with another aunt, uncle, and two cousins and their wives by the time I was fully awake. Cousin Jimmy's cure for kidney stones was to drink beer. I decided to take Jimmy's advise and after two beers, I'm happy to say that my kidney stones finally departed. All three of them, as the sun was setting behind Tara, I said "as God is my witness" never again, never again......
T. Pilcher |
